Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois: (Most of these are true!)

If your last governor is headed for prison and the governor before him is already there, you might live in Illinois.
If your latest US Senator lied to get the job, you might live in Illinois.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois.
If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.
If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisian WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 or I-57 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.
9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's F-in' Hot.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13. Down south means Missouri to you.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday night.
17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly."
19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends.
(What's not to understand?)